The two sides of pregnancy

Jim and I recently announced that we are expecting our second child.  We are “over the moon” excited.  But, I realize that our news can also bring pain to some.  I have been on that other side.

This is my fifth pregnancy in just over a year.  We lost four of our babies last year to early miscarriages.  I don’t think I can accurately describe the pain and sense of loss.  I don’t think anyone can get it unless you have had to endure it.  There is of course the physical loss, but longer lasting and more intense is that emotional and spiritual loss.  I wondered how can I miss someone I never met or don’t have any memories of?  I didn’t even know if they were a boy or girl.  But, that’s being a mother isn’t it?  You feel an instant connection even though you don’t really know this person yet.

The first loss was in January and came as quite a surprise, but unfortunately miscarriages aren’t rare.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of us in this “club.”   After grieving that loss, we were going to try again.  In July we found out we were pregnant again.  Of course, the initial reaction is a mix of joy and fear.  But, statistically it wasn’t supposed to happen again.  I didn’t have any health problems and one miscarriage isn’t unusual.  But, we loss that one and then two more in September and October.

And so, we began testing.  Three miscarriages in a row is when they start to think something is wrong.  Three heartbreaking losses in a row.  I think half of my blood went into vials and off to the Spectrum Health labs for testing.  Yet, all the tests were coming back normal.  We were told that eventually one of them would “stick.”  It was just a matter of how many losses we would have to endure.

I found out I was pregnant again on January 1.  A new year and hopefully a new baby we would be able to meet.  The first few weeks were filled with fear, but trying to stay positive.  I took a hormone twice a day that was supposed to help the baby “stick.”  It made me horribly sick, but I was going to be sick if it was going to mean I could meet this baby.  We had ultrasounds at 6, 7 and 9 weeks.  We got to see our little baby moving and to hear the heart beat.  That sound never gets old.

Here I am at 13 weeks.  Officially in the “safe zone.” I am still scared everyday.  I am hoping that fear will lessen as I start to feel the baby kick my bladder and any other vital organ it can reach.

So, to those that are on the other side of pregnancy, whether it’s losses or infertility.  I know how you feel.  I know it’s hard because it feels like “everyone is pregnant.” I am typically a pretty reserved person.  I don’t feel the need to tell everyone what’s going on with me.  But, having lived through this experience, I found comfort in reading or hearing about people who had gone through something similar and went on to have a baby. And so, I hope that if you read this and are on that other side, this brings you some comfort and some hope.

Be sure to talk with God.  I know that’s so cliche, but it’s true.  I think that if we don’t communicate with him and really speak our feelings, it’s easy to get resentful.  He is the only one that is going to bring that inner peace and comfort even if we don’t understand why things are happening.  Surround yourself with friends and family who will bring you meals and flowers when you are so sad. Find those who will pray with you and pray for you when you don’t even know it.  I am also blessed with an amazing supportive husband.  I think it’s hard for men to completely understand the loss because they aren’t experiencing the physical side or the full extent of the emotional side.  But, Jim was always ready to listen or sit with me when I needed a good cry.  Those are the people that made my 2012 bearable.

And so I pray that you will be able to experience this side of pregnancy.